The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Ever notice the edges of the light? When the darkness falls, those edges creep away from you. Step into the darkness and look back at the light and it's almost like entering another room. The separation between light and darkness is so defined that you begin to feel enclosed by the shadows. I feel them around me, behind me, above me. The air is softer in the shadows and the light seems harsh at a distance.



I would bring you back into the light, but I imagine that the darkness suits you better. You are more comfortable there. The edges are softer and the air feels cushioned. I think that you are where the light will not reach anymore. I think that even if I scream your name into the darkness, you will not hear me anymore. I think that if I wander into the darkness that is yours now, I may not find my way home. I may walk for hours, your voice in my head but never in my ears. I may never see the light again. How did you move so far into the darkness - I have held you close. I have tried to keep you still and calm, but still you fought for the darkness. I am tired of searching for you. I am tired of loving you. I am tired of the memory of you. I am tired of you. Please stay in the darkness and leave me to the light.

The beauty of obsession is that it never changes. Where are you? Is there some ethereal plane that houses those who step off into the abyss? The flashing of the cursor is mocking me tonight. I see it click on and off and it seems to be waiting. Waiting for something to change. Waiting. Waiting.



Where are you? I miss you.

I am obsessed because you exited the world so abruptly. I know this in my head but my heart tells some other sort of tale. My heart says that I didn't say good-bye. My heart says that the days were not numbered, my heart is stupid that way. My head knows that you cannot come back but my heart believes that maybe, just maybe, you wish that you could. My heart believes that maybe you made a mistake and you wish that you hadn't. My head says that you knew exactly what you were doing, because that's the way you always were. You made a decision and it was your decision and you brushed past anyone who opposed you. Even me.



I want you to come back. I don't want to believe that you are gone. I want to believe that you will come back. I want to believe. I want.



You.

It's awful that you're doing this to me. I tell myself to forget about you and then inside, I laugh. I know that I can't forget about you, even though in my head there's a million reasons why I should. Why are you doing this to me?



I am cautiously hopeful when I see you in my dreams. You are tall and your shoulders are broad and your hair is too long. You never cut your hair when you should. I love that about you. Your hair is ten shades of brown - which doesn't sound sexy, but it is. There are flashes of mahogany, rich and deep - sections faded by the sunlight into a warm golden color that defies description. Defies even me...and I'm the queen of stupid words.



You wear jeans and a t-shirt and your arms are golden from the sun and your eyes are that unforgettable silvery-blue. I think about brushing the hair out of your eyes so that I can drink in the color but you're not real and I'm afraid that if I move, you'll be gone again. You look at me and you're silent. It makes me silent when you are silent. I can't speak unless you release me. I hope that you don't release me.



I touch your shoulder because that's all I can think of doing. Your skin is so warm under your shirt that it burns my fingertips. I feel the bone and the muscle under my hand and I imagine that your arms are around me. You tip your head slightly, you always have that quizzical look before you kiss me. I'm waiting for your lips and I feel my breath shorten. Your eyes close and for a second I'm upset because I was inside them. I was drowning in them and now I'm abruptly shut out. Your eyes close and your lashes are dark against your cheeks. I see this because I'm afraid to close my eyes. I'm afraid that I will blink or exhale or shudder and you will be gone. And you'll be gone and you won't come back to me. I will close my eyes and your heat, your lips, your voice, your body, your shadow, your breath, your eyes, your memory inside my head will vanish the way that you vanished. Gone.



I feel your lips brush mine and they are so soft that I feel goosebumps travel across my arms. I step closer to you, so that my body is against yours, I feel the heat of your shoulders, your chest, your stomach, your hips, your legs. I feel your body against mine. I inhale your breath and I taste the memory of you. I feel the stubble on your face and it contrasts so starkly with the softness of your lips that it jolts me. I press myself closer to you, my body is smaller than yours and I feel like I can't get close enough. You're tall and broad-shouldered and I hook my hands together behind your neck to stay as close as I possibly can be. I want you to open your eyes so that I can see the silver, the flecks of yellow, the shimmering blues. In my head I say that you will open your eyes, you will kiss me endlessly, you will open your eyes. You don't.



The darkness that is behind your eyes scares me. I know that when you close your eyes, you see something that you are not willing to share with me. I try to take the warmth from your body and force it to stay with me. I feel it so clearly that I know I must be able to keep it somehow.



The darkness behind your eyes scares me and I wish that you were here. I know that you are gone, I know that you are lost, I know that what I feel is an illusion. I don't care. I want to stay in the illusion until I drown in your eyes. I don't care to come home. I don't care to breathe. I don't care about anything when you are here. Why are you not here? Why did you step off of the ride? Why didn't you finish? I hate you. I love you.

I dreamed of you again. Your truck was parked on the edge of the road, just where the grass begins to slope down to the water. We were standing together, covered in sand. We had been digging in the hill, searching for something in the sand. My fingernails were dirty and I could feel the sand on my hands. You were wearing jeans and there were stains on the knees where you had been kneeling. You looked lost again. I could look up over your head and see the bumper of your truck parked above us. I wanted you to talk, but you were so quiet. I wanted you to say something to me. I wanted you to breathe.



I could see the light touch your face when I looked up. Your eyes were that same silvery-blue that I remember so well. In my dream, your hair was in your face and you brushed it back with a sandy hand. We laughed. You put your arms around me and our faces were so close together that I could feel your lips against mine when you spoke. You said, "What was I looking for?" I didn't know how to answer you. I never know how to answer you. I never knew how to answer you. I am rendered mute by you.



You turned from me and I let my fingers trail across your body as you moved away. I felt how warm your body was under your t-shirt. I saw you put that stupid baseball cap back on - and your hair was still in your face. I saw you feel around in your pockets for your keys and kick the sand off of your boots. I watched you move away from me and then I woke up. I woke up and you were gone again. Why are you here in my dreams? Where have you gone? Where are you when you are not in my dreams? I miss you.